Wednesday, August 04, 2004

A Brief Treatise on the Thong

From the earliest beginnings of time, man has sought to cover his nudity and to prevent chaffing with perhaps, the most glorious invention of all time -- underwear. Why is it, then, that if underwear is so important, that we still exist in the dark ages of underwear technology? The underwear we wear today has changed little since it was contrived hundreds of years ago. However, there exists a form of underwear, derived thousands of years ago by the ancients, so advanced, that it has been rejected and marked taboo by all those who have not embraced it --
the thong.

The thong is based off the idea of a line segment, placed perpendicular, to another line segment of twice the length the original line segment. The thong is often reinforced by an equilateral triangle, which not only boosts structural integrity, but also provides a reasonably large surface area for a neat logo or print. This is a most perfect shape -- roughly resembling a "T," it is both structurally sound and efficient -- requiring less than 1/8 of the material used by conventional underwear -- the thong does not restrict movement, and is not nearly as cumbersome as conventional underwear. Both aesthetically pleasing, comfortable, and attractive, the thong conforms to the wearer's body, rather than forcing the wearer's body to conform to it, as other underwear does. This symbiotic relationship with the wearer promotes harmony, is logical, reasonable, and natural.

In these times -- when our resources (and underpants) are stretched nearly to their limits, it is essential that conservation begin at the sub-clothes level. Thongs, not only require less material to manufacture, but they also require less water to wash, and less energy to dry -- as they require little energy to evaporate absorbed water. As our nation undergoes a power crisis, there is much talk of restricting excessive (wasteful) use of electricity, but unfortunately, conservation via undergarment selection has been largely over looked.

As we enter a new century, the ability of our environment to support us is constantly being challenged. Other engineering issues of the thong will challenge scientists and underwear designers such as, how to eliminate the unwanted "ride-up" affect that has been often associated with the thong, making it a very "risky" and often, quite embarrassing form of underwear to use. However, as science progresses, and as the mysteries and secrets of the thong are unlocked, undesired effects will be eliminated in the years to come, making the thong not only a sensible and efficient form of underwear, but also an extremely desirable one.

For these reasons, every man, woman, and child, should dawn a thong from Monday to Saturday, but never on Sunday. After all, who wants to see a thong on Sunday, the Lord's Day?

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